I always grew up in church, my mom was a typing teacher and my dad worked various jobs. We were lower middle class but we were happy. I guess the religion came in because my mom found out she had breast cancer when she found out she was pregnant with me. My mom was a virtuous woman who never complained, and I knew she was sick and hurting but she never said anything. We were just always at church shouting, praying, worshipping. Even with this going on I had a cousin who introduced me to sex. It was a girl and she started touching my private parts and performing oral sex on me. To be completely honest she would ask me too touch her and perform the same on her and I did. I knew to some degree that this was wrong and didn't want to do it. But at some level it felt good. I always wanted my big cousin to come and play with me because I looked up to her and didn't want to get her in trouble. My mom always kept an open dialog with me so I ended up telling her and it did eventually stop. It has never really been mentioned or talked about since she stopped and I guess that was the beginning of me pushing my feelings aside for other's. When I was 9 my mother died. I didn't know how to be or act, we were expecting it I even asked God to take me instead but, he didn't. My dad came home one day and told us she had passed I think I tried to hug all the pain away when I hugged him, but he hugged me about 2 seconds and pushed me away. I don't think I've ever gotten over that. What I know is I knew what death was I knew she wasn't coming back, but all these so called "saints" we crying and mourning so hard. We had numerous discussions about death and heaven and God but no one ever told me that you cry because you miss the person and because your life changes without them. To me they were all hypocrites, because no one wants to go to the glory they try so hard to get to. I didn't cry at the funeral.
I spent the next few years trying to figure out what happened, and became ANGRY! I went from being the apple of my mother's eye to being passed around from house to house to go to school and so my dad could work. I became a nuisance, inferior and unwanted. Unloved, my brother acted like he hated me and my father thought that everything I did wasn't good enough, so at age 12 I began to get tired of being whopped for doing nothing, and disrespected. So me and my dad began to fight. Which was mostly him slapping me and shaking me and pinning me down. I was never a bad kid, I didn't do drugs I had a B average I didn't go out and I wasn't promiscuous until age 17. I talked to way older men, but never slept with them, I think I was looking for the love and acceptance my father never gave me.
At 17 I started having Sex, I met an older guy who had been around, but that time I was so curious it could have probably been anyone, but hardheaded me always chooses the worst ones. He convinced me to have sex with him and after a month of two of that he convinced me to have sex with 2 of his friends. One only once the other twice. He said if I loved him and wanted to stay with him that I would do him these favors often having sex with them and then him multiple times in one night. I eventually had sex with another one all on my own, calling myself "getting back" at him that lasted about 9mths then I kept hearing about the fact that he was married and all the other girls my age that he was doing the same way. The only difference between them and me was that he was proud of what he had done to me often telling any one who would listen how I was like a guy and would leave afterwards and how skilled I was. About that time I started drinking every weekend. After that I met my son's father. We were together a year when I got pregnant and 3 mths after I had Kameron he left us and ran in and out of our lives the next 12 yrs
3yrs later I met my daughter (Kamaria's) father. After 3 mths I was pregnant but 2 mths in he started. hitting me. At 23 with 2 kids I never thought anyone else would want me so I stayed, he promised to get help so I stayed He went to counseling, so I stayed. He hit me, punched me, tried to mace, stab and hammer me. He choked me on a continuous bases, even while pregnant. And I hide the bruises, he flipped dope and exposed me to that life while I worked hard for him to spend my checks. I eventually started to see my son telling people that he was hitting me I say him scared and crying as this man put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me so I let him go live with his grandparents. After that I was completely broken until I had my daughter. She gave me the strength to start looking for a way out. I did not want her to be the same way or to get another him. One afternoon after he broke my jaw for coming home early he kidnapped us after my workday. He threatened to kill all 3 of us after that I was done. It wasn't all bad, I enjoyed having someone to be with and travel with. We liked the same music and jokes, we got along so well when we weren't fighting which happened once every month. The rest of the time we were good, we were happy. After threatening to take my daughter and letting his baby momma drive my car I walked out and never came back. I went into a WRAP (Women's Resource and Rape Assistance) women's shelter where I received a place to stay and some much needed counseling. I pressed charges against him and he went to jail for the next 4 yrs.
After leaving the shelter I had to fight to get my son back because his grandparents didn't think I deserved him. But I did but after I got divorced I became promiscuous and drank heavily. I did go back to school and ended up getting a couple of certificated and an Associates In General Tech. I had other encounters with men and eventually had an abortion by someone who lied about having a girlfriend and about being my friend. Facing being a single broke mother a third time was to much for me, so was the disappointment and shame. I even thought of killing myself a couple times but leaving my children was to much for me to go through with.
So there it is, my story, the highlights at least. What I have learned over 32years of life is that God has forgiven me for all those things. His word says so. God is about Love and even through what I've been through and feeling like I was alone and unloved he was there. I heard him saying No on days I wanted to kill myself, I felt him as the car tire went out on the day of my abortion, he lifted me as I dodged knives and screw drivers, he guided my car as I drove home drunk night with my children in the car. He walked me home after night I was passed around and wiped the tears away, he was even whispering in my ear about all the glories of heaven as I sat at my mother's funeral. His Words says he will never leave me or forsake me, and he hasn't yet. I continue to have hard times and hard days struggling to survive and feed my kids but I know it would be even harder without him to lean on or to talk to. I think of how he died on the cross so I could be forgiven of those sins and one day join him in heaven. knowing that he loved me enough to do that for me, little old hard headed me, makes it all worth it. I struggle to be positive and to be good but if he could endure death for me I can endure hard times for him. I see the miracles he works in my life, sometimes when there is no food and I tell him he makes a way. sometimes someone gives me $10 for no reason or my aunt gives me something from her fridge. Or when there is no gas and someone gives me a ride or when the bills need to be paid and some child support comes when it's never there any other time.
My story is not anyone Else's. My life is not sad. I am more happy now than I've ever been. I wanted to be married and have children and have a career. God blessed me with all those things but just not the way I planned. The more I read the Bible the more I find out how good God is and has been. I couldn't take anybody Else's word I had to try him for myself. And If he could do it for me, he will do it for you. Salvation is free all you have to do is believe in Christ, believe that he died for your sins and ask him into your life. Ask to be forgiven and turn from the old life you had. If your like me it wasn't all that great anyway. Salvation is NOT PERFECTION! It is TRYING to be the best person you can be, and it's not always easy and we ALL fall short, but what's wrong with trying to be a better person? I am changed and better than I was. That person in the story seems like a completely different person and maybe it is. Jesus changes you. And I am so thankful to him for that!
And that's LaJaunda's Word! God forgives ALL sins!
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